What's going on in my head???
Pantry bingeing. Standing in front of the open pantry gazing in, waiting for something, anything, to jump out and down your throat. Eating and eating and eating because you can... because no one's there to judge you...out of a sense of sadness/lonliness/control/emptiness??... definately not out of hunger.
This has been a popular topic of discussion in the last 24 hours. Many bloggers have come out of the woodwork, sharing their own experiences whether past or present. Beginning a cascade of honesty.
It is a wonderful, scary, and uncomfortable feeling to come face to face with your own demons. The things you hide from the world out of guilt and shame. Pantry bingeing was one of those things for me. After reading Beckie's post last night, reading the responses and finally chatting with other bloggers late into the night, I began to feel really vulnerable and raw about this issue. My stomach began to tie in knots, my throat closed up and I just wanted to cry as I began to realise that the issue of pantry bingeing is not some distant topic of conversation I was casually discussing. It is me to the core right now.
It is something which I thought I had dealt with and overcome over the last few years, but throughout my pregnancy, fell back into the habit of. I did not realise how controlled I am right now by my urges to eat. Disturbingly, as I was reading about pantry bingeing I became so overcome with emotion that all I wanted to do was eat eat eat. I had to make myself go to bed so I'd stop thinking about food. I have not felt this out of control in a long time.
What am I feeling when I am standing looking into the pantry? Not sure...boredome, sadness, emptiness too- but I don't know what I want to be filled with.
Luckily, I usually only have healthy food in the house as it is what I enjoy eating the most. So my binges are nothing like the days of old. However- eating and eating to excess, even on healthy foods, is just not good for the body or the soul so I have to work out what's going on in my head.
I have to go now, but still have a lot of thinking to do.
Ash
xox
6 comments:
It is so weird, I am doing the Pantry thing too.... and I have no idea why either! I am bored when at home, but have nowhere to go other than the gym.... and I can't live there! It's a real problem.
hey Ash, I am so proud that you are nearly in the 80's! You will be back at goal weight in no time!!!!
I will be in Melb this weekend for HBC Booty - let me know if you'd like to meet for lunch on Sat...or hey, why don't you pack that bub in a stroller and come to Booty!!!!!!! She'd look good in pink!
Ashy!!
I know what you mean. I am the same... but now, never as bad as my worst, dark, binging days. It's hard to break the habits of a lifetime. Just try and take it a day at a time. Healthy Ashwee's behaviour will produce a healthier relationship with food. Perfect? Maybe not now, maybe one day. But you're AWARE of what you're doing and that is a huge step. Give me a call anytime if you need a chat!
Katie xxx
Ok, novel-length comment coming up here!
Ash, I wrote a post about this too. It's amazing what a chord this has struck with so many people.
It is so hard to break these habits, habits that were, for so long, a part of who we were and what we did. And remember, you haven't yet experienced maintenance, where you put into practice everything that you've learned on the weight loss journey and slowly the new behaviours become the norm and you can control them better and better. When you feel out of control, the last thing you want to do is stop doing something that gives you a momentary release or pleasure, however unhealthy you may deem that behaviour to be.
Maybe, for where you are right now, what you need to do is (I cringe as I say this phrase!) get back to basics on this issue. Like you said, work out what is going on in your head. Use the old methods of challenging and distracting. Figure out what it is you really want.
I've realised, through nearly a year of maintenance, that even though the weight might be gone, we must battle our demons all the time. They will always be there. It's just that instead of weighing us down, we hopefully get to the stage where we just pull them along on a feather-light string and be able to pull them into line :)
I don't know how to tell you how very very proud I am of you - not just of how well you did with your weight loss (you know you were my inspiration the whole way through!) but with the way you live your life, your attitude, your grace, your maturity, your generosity, and the way you are raising your child. I think you're incredible and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for bringing you into my life.
I know that you'll figure this out, just as you have everything else. And I'm always here for you, you know that :)
Love you
xoxoxoxoxox
ing. I think most people do. Its like when you go to the fridge and look and decide there's nothing good to eat (i.e. no chocolate) and then 15 minutes later you go back again magically hoping the fridge fairy has deposited something to eat. I think mine has a lot to do with boredom eating too.
I think we all do this to a certain degree. I agree with Jadey about thinking something different will magicly appear. Something other than the good things we should be eating.
I guess the only real solution is to have only healthy food there and really limit the bad, tempting food.
Because if it is there, I find it so hard to resist.
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