Body dysmorphic disorder...
(From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder)
"Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a mental disorder, which involves a disturbed body image. It is generally diagnosed in those who are extremely critical of their physique or self image, despite the fact there may be no noticeable disfigurement or defect...
...Ironically BDD is often misunderstood as a vanity driven obsession, whereas it is quite the opposite; people with BDD believe themselves to be profoundly ugly or defective.
BDD combines obsessive and compulsive aspects which has linked it to the OCD spectrum disorders among psychologists. People with BDD may engage in compulsive mirror checking behaviors or mirror avoidance, typically think about their appearance for more than one hour a day, and in severe cases may drop all social contact and responsibilities as they become homebound. The disorder is linked to an unusually high suicide rate among all mental disorders."
Thank you Kenz for being so honest about how you feel at the moment surrounding your own self image and for bringing some much needed attention to the topic of distorted body image.
When I got to 75kg early last year (well within my healthy weight range for my height) I still felt fat.
I was very proud of all I had achieved and I could even compliment myself on different parts of my body that I liked. But in my head I still imagined myself as the 112kg girl I started out as. I still looked to the back of the rack for clothes whilst shopping even though I was a healthy size twelve and I was still disgusted when I looked in the mirror and at photographs.
I didn't realise this was happening to me until I began putting some weight back on during the pregnancy and I looked back at photos from that time, realising that I was not just not fat... I was SLIM! And not just slim, I was muscular, my skin was clear and I was in perfect proportion.
But I just did not see this.
Reading over my 12 week challenge blog I found a post talking about wanting more... more weight loss and more results. I used the saying "If I can do this, I can do better" which is a terrific saying, however I was using it as a catalyst for obsessive thoughts and behaviours around my weight.
This is not a healthy way to live...
Has anyone else ever felt this way?
Ash
xox
11 comments:
I saw an episode of Oprah yesterday about BDD. Very serious stuff. Seeing how those attractive people lived their lives day to day was upsetting, to say the least.
Here is a link to the show:
http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200509/tows_past_20050914.jhtml
However, I do know what you mean Ash and can relate, to a degree. As you know, I still head to the plus sizes clothing section when shopping, but nothing there will actually fit anymore! I'm still puzzled.
When you have been big for a long time, it's going to take some time time to come to terms with your new body. Remember you weren't at goal for long before you fell pregnant with Molly.
This time you will be there indefinately and you know in your head (by recognising the slim you in the pics) that it was a great weight for you.
You will be able to get used to it again, slowly, with time, as you fade away before our eyes :)
Kate xx
Click here for the link I mentioned above. I was trying to be lazy and not do a proper link and it caught me out by not posting the whole link. DOH!
Haha... Lazy Katey!
Ohh i soooo know all about this...
'M' said tonight... when i told him of another loss and getting to another goal.. "now can i call you skinny" and i said no friggin way i am still fat....
I dont think i will ever feel slim...
I know I didnt when i got married years ago.. and i was at my lightest ever... scarred for life I am thinking...
any ideas how to get over this... and it would be nice to actually like what looks back at me in the mirror oneday..
I can definitely relate to this! I've never been to goal - my closest was still 10kgs away - but at my lowest weight I still felt pretty shit about my body. NOW, having gained back 14kgs, I look at those pictures and I can't believe how bloody fantastic I looked! Why didn't I see that back then?? Why can't we see ourselves for how we truely are?!
I have no answers! I only hope that at goal I can remember these feelings now and appreciate my new body
As overweight people we are hard on ourselves and used to criticising our bodies, its hard to stop that mentality. I think it is important to love your body, that keeps you alive and works whatever size you are.
I agree with the other comments, now you are above your previous goal weight, you can appreciate it. I don't think it will be so hard to accept yourself at that level.
That is so true. It is so hard sometimes to change the mental image of ourselves.
I saw that Oprah show too and it is so sad. We mustn't be too hard on ourselves. Just try and aim to be as healthy as we can and the rest will follow.
(Love your pic of you and babe)
Hey Ashwee,
I just left a big comment on Kenz's blog after following your link. I can really relate!
I've done it both ways - seeing myself as thin when i wasn't (denial?) & sometimes now much fatter than i am. The accuracy of my perception of myself depends on my mood & as i've been thinking more about it as i've been writing (both here & on Kenz's blog) perhaps also on what i have eaten that day (or days).
I suspect if i have eaten healthily, i have a more accurate body image. If i have eaten crap or binged & feel bloated, then my image is somewhat bloated. Does this make sense?
Hope Molly (& you!) is/are surviving the heat yesterday & today! Take care & hope you have a fabulous weekend.
Cheers, Cat
It's funny you should mention this. Even 10 months ago at my wedding i felt like i was huge, and on my honeymoon, i felt like a big fat failure. Adam and i watched some home videos (not that kind *wink wink*) from our honeymoon the other day and i was amazed how good i looked. I had weight to lose, but in my mind i was so much more overweight. It's a shame that it takes weight gain to realise what we once had. It's true what they say "you don't know what you've got till it's gone". I also remember that at goal, at 77kg i still thought i was fat. Jebus, what i wouldn't give to be that weight now!!! If i ever get back there - WHEN I GET BACK THERE - i need to look back at posts like these to remind myself of what has been achieved.
Thanks for this post Ash, I have felt this way too, and its not until I was overweight again that I realised how good I was looking even while I was whinging about still being fat. They say you create what you believe, in my case it was true, I believed I was fat, and I got fatter! I'm trying now to be less critical of my size and my looks, and trying to be objective when I look in the mirror. I hope that helps me when I get back to goal.
xx
Hi Ash - Long time reader, first time poster here.
I saw a Nip/Tuck episode where they dealed with this disorder. A man saw himself as an amputee although he had two perfectly good legs. He basically wanted one of his legs cut off so he could realise his dream and become the person he knows he is and always sees in the mirror. This actors performance was powerful and really brought how the character felt to the viewer.
I found BDD to be a remarkable concept and can see the logic in it.
As a teenager I saw myself as fat, plain and simple. I went through a period of not eating and over exercising but now when I look at pictures of me at 15 I am astounded at how thin I was. So thin that I fit into the dress of a friend who I considered to be the size I wanted to be (a size 6) but even wearing the dress did not confirm it in my mind at the time.
I can't remember ever knowing I looked that way - I had a completely different image in my head and I guess I still do. If I didn't have the photograph I guess I still wouldn't know.
I am glad you guys are talking about this. It needs to be out in the open for people to understand and know how to deal with it.
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