Owww!

I didn't manage to walk to mum's group today like I planned.

Normally I would feel a bit lazy and guilty for not doing this but today I just couldn't manage it... why? My scalp is KILLING me! I don't know what's wrong but it has been bothering me for a few weeks and I just figured it would go away. But it hasn't! And it is giving me a splitting headache. I have tried different shampoos, thought it might have been from tying my hair up too tight as it is that kind of feeling but alas... no luck! It looks as if I am going to have to visit the doctor. I remember Linda having something like this last year... what was the cause of your scalpy soreness Linda?? Did it clear up quickly once you started treating it??

On another note I have a new net addiction... Health Nuts! Thanks to Mary for setting this community up!

I am seeking a buddy... someone who is seriously interested in teaming up with me to burn the flab! I need someone who will be able to commit to a few days a week of exercise (no bailing out without a REALLY good reason! *lol*). I am really wanting to get serious and I have always done better when I have a buddy. So if you are interested in making a committment to exercise with me regularly please drop me a line here.

I'd better be off. I have made a decision to spend less time on here in the evening as I need more quality time with the lad and I've also been getting nothing done around the house.. so goodnight!

Ash
xox

Get it together woman!!!

What is wrong with me??!!

I have not got my act together... My house is a mess, I have to book flights for out trip to Adelaide for an Easter wedding (have been meaning to do this for weeks), I haven't done washing in over a week and I'm down to my "scungies", I am loving chocolate just a little too much (dangerous so close to easter) and I have been staying up too late and waking up too early... AAARGH!!

I have a yukky cold which has been making me all light headed and preventing me from exercising as it makes me dizzy. I have Mum's group tomorrow and if I feel ok and it's not too hot I'll walk there and back. I think it will be about half an hour either way so that will make me feel better about myself I think.

On a slightly lighter note.. how cute was that video of Molly!? Haha! She's just started doing that high pitched noise... you'd think I never fed the little thing but she had eaten just half an hour before that!

Oh... what a boring post tonight.... I apologise! I will try and think of something to post worth reading- it's just so hard when you feel so bleahhh!

Ash
xox

Funny Molly

Body dysmorphic disorder...

(From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder)
"Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a mental disorder, which involves a disturbed body image. It is generally diagnosed in those who are extremely critical of their physique or self image, despite the fact there may be no noticeable disfigurement or defect...

...Ironically BDD is often misunderstood as a vanity driven obsession, whereas it is quite the opposite; people with BDD believe themselves to be profoundly ugly or defective.

BDD combines obsessive and compulsive aspects which has linked it to the OCD spectrum disorders among psychologists. People with BDD may engage in compulsive mirror checking behaviors or mirror avoidance, typically think about their appearance for more than one hour a day, and in severe cases may drop all social contact and responsibilities as they become homebound. The disorder is linked to an unusually high suicide rate among all mental disorders."

Thank you Kenz for being so honest about how you feel at the moment surrounding your own self image and for bringing some much needed attention to the topic of distorted body image.

When I got to 75kg early last year (well within my healthy weight range for my height) I still felt fat.

I was very proud of all I had achieved and I could even compliment myself on different parts of my body that I liked. But in my head I still imagined myself as the 112kg girl I started out as. I still looked to the back of the rack for clothes whilst shopping even though I was a healthy size twelve and I was still disgusted when I looked in the mirror and at photographs.

I didn't realise this was happening to me until I began putting some weight back on during the pregnancy and I looked back at photos from that time, realising that I was not just not fat... I was SLIM! And not just slim, I was muscular, my skin was clear and I was in perfect proportion.

But I just did not see this.

Reading over my 12 week challenge blog I found a post talking about wanting more... more weight loss and more results. I used the saying "If I can do this, I can do better" which is a terrific saying, however I was using it as a catalyst for obsessive thoughts and behaviours around my weight.

This is not a healthy way to live...

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Ash
xox

A goal...

During one of my many pondering sessions today, I started thinking back to the 12 week challenge that I undertook at the beginning of 2006. Click here to visit the blog I dedicated to the challenge. This challenge helped me to lose the last 8 kilos I needed to lose to get me to my goal. It was plain old clean eating and dedicated exercise that worked.

One of the things that made the challenge so successful was the fact that I set very specific goals for myself and committed to achieving them.

So, thinking about all this has led me to try and work out a goal for myself. Nothing drastic- just a longish term goal to work steadily towards. I have figured out that it is reasonable to aim to be back in the 70s by Molly's birthday. 79.9kg is fine as long as I am in the 70s. So, that is approx 14kgs to get me there and that is totally doable! That is 1.5kg per month.

Sound sensible?? I think so!

Ash
xox

Just got back from the gym...

... and just have to say just how GREAT I feel today.

Food good, exercise done- house is still a mess but oh well! I actually put up all my weights at the gym today as I didn't really feel like I was giving it my all. I also decided to do skipping at each cardio station and boy did that get my heart rate up!! I did really well and am very proud of myself. I was still a bit sore from Booty Camp but am feeling fitter than I have in a long, long time.

Molly's just woken up and is squawking for a feed so I'd better go.

Ash
xox

Ouch... ow... ouwwie.. ooh... ahh.. oww!

I am hurting EVERYWHERE tonight!

Me pushing Molly up a BIG hill!

Yeaterday morning I got up bright and early (5:30am!!), strapped Molly into the pram with little socks on her hands (forgot her mittens) and a lovely warm knitted blanket and made the chilly, dark, 20 min walk from my Aunt's place (where Molly and I stayed over) to the Alexandra Gardens to meet 31 other women for AJ Rochester's Healthy Body Club's BOOTY CAMP!

It was such a great morning!

AJ organised her own personal trainer Andrew to come and kick our (mostly large) booties. We started with a lap of the Tan track which usually takes about forty minutes to walk around at a brisk pace. Well... it took us 1.5 hours as Andrew sent us up and down every hill and set of stairs we came across. It was HARD!

We then went back to where we met to begin with and he ran us through some sit ups, push ups, dips, squats and he made us do this thing where he would yell out "TREES!" and we'd have to run around and touch ten trees.

To finish, we played a game of fun soccer (I kicked a goal and Kate headded a goal!!) and had a pep talk from Andrew about nutrition.

FYI: Andrew, who is an experienced trainer believes that weight loss/maintinance is 70% nutrition and 30% Exercise. He also believes we are a society of carb addicts who are on a carb merry-go-round having energy slumps and feeding them with loads of carbs and then peaking.. slumping.. peaking.. etc etc. He wasn't suggesting a no-carb diet but one that relies on good quality low gi carbs, veggies, fruit and protein. I must say I agree with him. What do you think??

He also challenged us to include some good fats in our diets to keep us satisfied and said to try, on one night to eat some white fish and salad, then the next night to try some deep water (fattier) fish like salmon and see which one is more satisfying. He assured us it would be the latter.

We finished off the morning with a yummy breakfast at Blue Train where AJ Handed out the Booty Babe award and medals for everyone! Even Molly got one! Thanks to Ails (I stole her photos) Check out her blog for more piccies!

Molly receiving her medal

Ajay Rochester presenting me with my medal

My weight was up a little bit this week but I'm not going to let that ruin how awesome I feel about myself for pushing that heavy pram aound the tan with everyone elses belongings (note to self: if you take the pram you WILL become a pack horse). My muscles are so sore today and I know they'll be even worse tomorrow. Only one way to fix that! More exercise!!!

That'll do from me tonight!

Ash
xox

Feeling lighter...

... because I reckon I had about a kilo of hair cut off today. It's actually short!

We have no batteries for the digital camera so I can't post any pics right now but I will definately have some up here soon.

I love it... I just went in to get a trim and have some of the volume taken out of my enormous mountain of hair. While I was waiting for the hairdresser to finish cleaning up after the last client I picked up a hairstyle mag and flicked through. I stopped on a pic of a girl with a shaggy unevenly cut short style and I thought for only about 10 seconds before I decided to just go for it! So I did!

Had a pretty good day food-wise today and got my butt to Contours so hopefully I'll see a positive result on weigh in day.

Need an early night today as I feel like tiredness has been contributing to my "down-ness"... we'll see how I feel after a couple of pre-midnight hours kip.

Nighty night all... sorry I am positively boring at the moment!

Ash
xox

What's going on in my head???

Pantry bingeing. Standing in front of the open pantry gazing in, waiting for something, anything, to jump out and down your throat. Eating and eating and eating because you can... because no one's there to judge you...out of a sense of sadness/lonliness/control/emptiness??... definately not out of hunger.

This has been a popular topic of discussion in the last 24 hours. Many bloggers have come out of the woodwork, sharing their own experiences whether past or present. Beginning a cascade of honesty.

It is a wonderful, scary, and uncomfortable feeling to come face to face with your own demons. The things you hide from the world out of guilt and shame. Pantry bingeing was one of those things for me. After reading Beckie's post last night, reading the responses and finally chatting with other bloggers late into the night, I began to feel really vulnerable and raw about this issue. My stomach began to tie in knots, my throat closed up and I just wanted to cry as I began to realise that the issue of pantry bingeing is not some distant topic of conversation I was casually discussing. It is me to the core right now.

It is something which I thought I had dealt with and overcome over the last few years, but throughout my pregnancy, fell back into the habit of. I did not realise how controlled I am right now by my urges to eat. Disturbingly, as I was reading about pantry bingeing I became so overcome with emotion that all I wanted to do was eat eat eat. I had to make myself go to bed so I'd stop thinking about food. I have not felt this out of control in a long time.

What am I feeling when I am standing looking into the pantry? Not sure...boredome, sadness, emptiness too- but I don't know what I want to be filled with.

Luckily, I usually only have healthy food in the house as it is what I enjoy eating the most. So my binges are nothing like the days of old. However- eating and eating to excess, even on healthy foods, is just not good for the body or the soul so I have to work out what's going on in my head.

I have to go now, but still have a lot of thinking to do.

Ash
xox

So much to think about...

I can't write a proper post tonight but have been thinking a lot about Beck's post regarding "Pantry Bingeing". This has hit a raw nerve for me as it is a habit I have slipped back into. Will have a good hard think and come back with a post.

_______________________________________________

Blogger Hall of Fame

Kate

Kate has lost an amazing 27.8kgs and has just posted her "before" pics. She's definately an inspirational chickie! Go and visit her and make sure to leave a comment! Go you good thing!

Ash
xox

Wooo!

Tina just reminded me that I'm nearly in the 80s! WOOOOO!

Weigh in...

Whoops! I was supposed to be updating every day wasn't I??

Well the last few days have been really nice. I have been trying to listen to my body and what it wants and eat as much as I feel I need. I've not been tracking but have been focusing on exercise and eating fresh, healthy foods with a few treats thrown in because I felt like them. And the result is... A loss of 300g! I guess my body does know how much it needs when I really listen to it!

Last week: 94.2kg
This week: 93.9kg

It was lovely to meet Persistent Girl and Brookie for lunch on Saturday. Molly and I met these lovely ladies at Degraves Espresso where we were served yummy porridge, fruit toast, eggs and fresh juice by an intensely hyperactive and lovely actor working as a waiter to pay his way from show to show.

That'll do from me this lazy public holiday morning...

Ash
xox

From www.rawfoods.com

"Fresh juices are a tremendous source of enzymes. In fact, the "freshness" of juice is one of their key features, because enzymes are destroyed by heat. When you eat cooked foods, whether its meal, grains, fruits, or vegetables, if the food is cooked at temperatures above 114 degrees, the enzymes have been destroyed by the heat. Since fruits and vegetables are juiced raw, the enzymes are still viable when you drink the juice.

Coincidentally, many of the phytochemicals that nutritional researchers are focusing their attention on are either enzymes, or more often, they are substances that help build or activate enzymes that play essential roles in protecting cells from damage.

In addition, fruit and vegetable juices are good sources of the traditional nutrients. Citrus fruits (grapefruit, oranges, etc.) provide healthy portions of vitamin C. Carrot juice contains large quantities of vitamin A, in the form of beta carotene. A number of green juices are a good source of vitamin E. Fruit juices are a good source of essential minerals like iron, copper, potassium, sodium, iodine, and magnesium, which are bound by the plant in a form that is most easily assimilated during digestion.

Plus, since juicing removes the indigestible fiber, these nutrients are available to the body in much larger quantities than if the piece of fruit or vegetable was eaten whole. For example, because many of the nutrients are trapped in the fiber, when you eat a raw carrot, you are only able to assimilate about 1% of the available beta carotene. When a carrot is juiced, removing the fiber, nearly 100% of the beta carotene can be assimilated.

Finally, fruits and vegetables provide one more substance that is absolutely essential for good health - water. More than 65% of most of the cells in the human body are made of water, and in some tissues, for example the brain, the cells can be made up of as much as 80% water. Water is absolutely essential for good health, yet most people don't consume enough water each day. Plus, many of the fluids we do drink, coffee, tea, soft drinks, alcoholic beverages and artificially flavored drinks each contain substances that require extra water for your body to eliminate. Fruit and vegetable juices are free of these unneeded substances and are full of pure, clean water."

Sounds good to me!!

Ash

xox

Mmmm... juicy!

Look at my new toy!!

Bargain huh??!! And PINK!! My nan saw it in the Harris Scarfe catalogue this week and offered to buy it for me. I have been talking about buying a juicer for ages but could never justify the expense as it is a definite 'luxury item'. THANKS NAN!!

Does anyone have any great juice recipes? (preferrably not tomato based... can't stand tomato juice!!) My favourite is carrot, celery, beetroot, apple and ginger. Drinking a glass of that rich brew is like swallowing a glass of health! I know that juice is high calories but for a big glass of nutrients I'm willing to use some of my daily allowance.

I felt better today than I did yesterday. Thanks for your comments. I did, however, feel really hungry today and ate a couple of hundred too many calories although I went for an hour walk today and it should even it out. I just wanted CARBS CARBS CARBS! I missed my pill two days ago so that may be something to do with it... progesterone only- have to use other protection for two weeks now dammit!

Gotta go- Taking Molly to see Nanna and Pa Carr...

Ash
xox

FOOLS AND ANGELS

Saturday night @ Brunswick Hotel

Sydney Rd Brunswick 9pm
The boys will be playing a 40 minute set Follwed by The Wireless and The Collectables

Free entry

They would LOVE to see you there!!

Update...

Felt a bit blah today...

Not sure why. Just really down. The smallest things would send me off into a stomping huff, like realising the kitchen was messy two minutes before we were supposed to leave this morning. Some days I can shrug it off and say "hey, we can fix it later" but there was NO WAY I was leaving the kitchen in such a state this morning.

I stayed in this huff until about 10am when I realised that I was choosing to feel sour and actually didn't want to feel happy. I don't know what my pay-off was, but I was enjoying my misery! Now that's screwed up!

So I put on a happy face and chose not to let little things bother me and ended up having an ok albeit wasted day.

I did manage to get to Contours for a killer workout and walk from there for the half hour it takes to get to John's folk's place.

Food good... lots of water... very tired...

Nighty night.

Ash
xox

The Tan

This is one of the pictures that came up when I did a Google image search for "Melbourne botanical gardens"... hmmm

Here are some other cool pics...

1861- newly planted trees and plants

2005- How things change!

The reason I was looking for these pic is that I went for a lovely walk around the tan with Mezz this morning... I don't have much else to say today except that I ate really well today- lots of fresh veggies.

Feelin' GOOD!

John's band Fools and Angels has a gig this weekend and he's asked me to plug it on here. The boys are really great and if you would like a sample of their music please visit www.myspace.com/foolsandangels

FOOLS AND ANGELS

Saturday night @ Brunswick Hotel - Sydney Rd Brunswick

40 min set 9pm Follwed by The Wireless and The Collectables

Free entry

They would LOVE to see you there!!

Ash
xox

Surprising result and honesty hour...

Me, Molly, Felix and Mezz

I had a post planned for after my recent weigh in explaining my poor eating last week leading to an inevitable gain.

Feeling a bit down about my lousy effort with tracking (no Calorie King due to lack of Internet access last week), I stepped on the scale Saturday morning only to find a loss of 1.7kg!!

Last week: 95.9
This week: 94.2

I put this down to balanced resistance and cardiovascular exercise and sensible albeit UN-tracked eating. I am sure the resistance is working as my clothes are beginning to feel looser.

The only way I am going to be able to at least maintain this result, let alone losing any weight next week is by staying on track. I said in my last post that I have made a discovery about myself. I have looked at my behaviour pattern and weight loss from week to week over the last couple of months and have realised that I have not eaten well and exercised for more than one week at a time. I have a good week then a slack week... good week... slack week... and so on. And the results are consistent with this pattern.

So, my challenge is to eat well and exercise for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT, including two free days where I can eat those things I have been thinking about during my "clean" days (I like using the word clean as I still feel like a junk food addict in remission).

Another part of this challenge is to post a quick daily update to keep myself more accountible. You may not have realised that I have had slack weeks and good weeks as I have not been completely honest here. I have not outright lied to you however have omitted my slip ups. This is not a good habit to get into as I end up lying to myself too and that is just plain unhealthy. Who does it benefit?? My ego? Certainly not my waistline!!

So, first little bit of hosesty. Yesterday I made the most appauling food choices. I have not had such a high calorie day since before I began getting healthy four years ago! I had a fish and chip shop hamburger and half a small bag of chips with chicken salt for lunch, savoys, dip, philly cheese and sweet chilli, chips, skittles and sugary soft drink in the afternoon and 3 slices of pizza and 2 pieces of garlic bread for dinner. Did it make me feel good? NO! Why did I do it? It was not for emotional reasons, but out of lasiness and convenience. I was out and about and that's the food that was on offer. Good enough excuse? NO!

I am not writing this on here because I want comments about how terrible my eating was yeaterday. I don't even want advice, as I know that I ate too much junk and don't need to be patronised and made to feel like a "naughty girl". In fact, I don't even believe in labeling food or myself as naughty or bad as it is totally degrading. I have posted this here as I know I am a part of a supportive community of strong women (and some men) who are taking their lives back by choosing a healthy path. This is about getting honest with myself in persuit of a healthy mind as well as a healthy body.

Feeling good now.... off to the gym!

Ash
xox

Live well my friends!

For the record, check out my super-clean food day today!!

Breakfast
1 serving, 2 biscuits (40g) of Sanitarium: Breakfast Cereals: Weet-Bix, Hi Bran
3/4 cup (250mL) of Vitasoy: Soy Drinks: Fresh, So Milky Lite

Lunch

1 salad of Meals: Salads, Garden / Side Salad, small
2 slice (47g) of Country Life Bakery: Bread: Rye
1 serving, 95g can drained (70g) of Safcol: Fish, canned: Tuna, Gourmet on the Go, w. Fresh Tomato & Basil in Springwater, drained
1 large (160g with skin) (105g) of Fruit, fresh: Banana, Common, without skin

Dinner
1 serving, 1/2 packet (180g) of Birds Eye: Fish, frozen: Steam Fish Fillets, Thai Coconut Curry
1½ salad of Meals: Salads, Garden / Side Salad, small
1/2 serving (22g) of Always Fresh: Vegetables, packaged: Tomatoes, Sundried
1 teaspoon (5g) of Oils: Olive
1 serving (150g) of Riviana: Rice: Basmati, cooked

Snacks
1/2 small bunch, 22 medium size (120g) of Fruit, fresh: Grapes, Black, average all types, raw

1 bar (28g) of PowerBar: Protein Bars: Pria, Mint Chocolate
1 1 bar of Myoplex Bar

Total Calories: 1663

Exercise Calories: 385

Exercise

30 mins Contours Body Circuit

Missin' me??

After a frustrating week without an adapter I managed to find the right one at our local computer repair shop. Hoorah! Who knew 19v adapters were so very hard to find!

Thanks for all the lovely "we miss you" type comments! I feel loved!

So... laptop- CHECK!.... adapter- CHECK!.... internet connection- UMM.... no...

We have wireless internet and rely on our landlord's connection for ours to work. I was SO excited to buy a new adapter and finally be able to turn our computer on, so when I finally managed to try to come online I was so annoyed to discover it wasn't going to work for the rest of the week as our landlord had gone interstate and taken her laptop... grrr! Anyway, she's back tonight- drama over!

Oh how I have missed the land of blog!

Can't do a proper update right now as I'm at mum's again and am being very antisocial however I will be able to come online again very soon with a riviting post about something new I have discovered about myself... and no, I'm not coming out of the closet or anything really interesting like that!

The new discovery will be leading on to a new challenge for myself!

See you very soon my dears!

Ash
xox